I woke up this morning in peace and lot happier than I was yesterday. I can’t promise that those feelings will remain, but I know I will embrace and enjoy them while they’re here.
Childhood brokenness are little bastards that follow us into adulthood and affect every relationship we have. Unfortunately, I’m not even sure it’s possible to get over the childhood hurts and pain that shape us. I’ve just learned to recognize, acknowledge and manage mine. Yesterday, I was drowning in this brokenness.
Growing up I feel like whenever I expressed hurt, disappointment or feeling overwhelmed it was dismissed. No one ever acknowledged that Kia could be having a hard time, so when I needed hugs the most, I went without them.
I learned to press on, become hard and have an “eff you if you can’t see me” mentality, but the older I get the more I desire, the more I need for someone to see and acknowledge my pain. Unfortunately, after years of expressing emotions and not having them acknowledged, I don’t know how to express them in a heathy way. I don’t know how to say, “I’m hurt. I need a hug. Can you please hear me?” And to a certain extent, unrealistic or not, I feel like I shouldn’t have to say it. The people in my life should see my pain and acknowledge it on their own. If they really cared about me, I wouldn’t have to nudge them and say, “Hey, I’m hurting here. Can you please see it, acknowledge it and make me feel a little better?” Right?
The fear of rejection, the angst of not being heard and dread of being ignored is way too much for me. So most often, I shut myself off from people as a self-protecting mechanism. Because when I do let you in, when I do share with you my pain and you don’t acknowledge it, it breaks me. Every time. No matter who you are. Family. Friends. Lovers. Associates. To me, not seeing me is the absolutely worst form of rejection. It dehumanizes me, makes me feel like less than a person and alienates me from you.
When I look back over my life, this has been a factor in all of my relationships…so much so that I feel like I need to do something to change it, but I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make people see me as a human being with emotions, who is capable of feeling pain and needing that pain acknowledged. I don’t know how to maintain relationships, romantic or not, with individuals who can’t see or refuse to acknowledge my pain. I don’t know how to interact with people who ignore my humanity.
Yesterday was hard for me…because I wanted you to acknowledge the pain I expressed and you didn’t. And I can’t figure out if that’s because you don’t care or you don’t know how. In my mind, it’s always the former…until I go back, replay every interaction we’ve had and weigh the times you’ve cared with the times you haven’t. Maybe you’re just really good at faking it when you want something. Maybe none of this has been real. Maybe I’m so completely overwhelming I make you want to run away. Maybe you just don’t give a damn and all my words are a waste of time. Maybe all of this is true. I don’t know. But I do know that I’m honest. I’ve always been honest with you, and I all wanted in return was your honesty. But this betrayal, the betrayal of not seeing, hearing or acknowledging me, that I don’t know how to forgive. I’ve tried so many times, but it keeps occurring. And at this point I just don’t know how to trust and move on.