Two things scare me in the social media sphere: Twitter DMs and Google Hangout chats. I just never know what my friends are going to bring to me. Recently, I received a Google Hangout notification that made me ponder. What are qualities that would allow someone to be involved in a good friends with benefits (FWB) situation? FWB being friends who sleep together without romantic ties. After contemplating for a moment, I came up with absolutely nothing.
The first thing that comes to mind when I think friends with benefits is Musiq Soulchild’s “Just Friends.” I was 18 when the single from his debut album, Aijuswanaseing, was released, and in my teenage mind, it was all about sex. In fact, I remember being intrigued by the concept coming from Musiq. It wasn’t the first time I had heard a “let’s just have sex” song. There was Silkk the Shocker’s “Let Me Hit It” and the 504 Boyz’s “I Can Tell,” but Musiq Soulchild was different. While the concept was the same, he presented it in a less ratchet more respectable manner.
Because I’ve always connected “Just Friends” to the concept of friends with benefits, I pulled up the lyrics before writing this post to see exactly what Mr. Soulchild had to say about FWB. I was honestly shocked to find none of the sexual innuendo that filled my 18-year-old mind. Yeah, there was the “we can hook up, hang out, just chill” line, but that was so subjective. Thinking that maybe it was the video that inspired a FWB notion in me, I headed straight to YouTube only to be pleasantly surprised that there was nothing that screamed “let’s be cut buddies!!!” in the video. Even the rocking of the trailer (the one piece of sexual innuendo that stood out) came from them laughing while watching a movie, not them getting it in. So where did all the sexual innuendo I had connected with this song come from?
The only thing that has changed more than my understanding of Music Soulchild’s song “Just Friend” is my beliefs surrounding the concept of friends with benefits. At 18, I’m sure I could have written a book on the qualities of a good FWB partner; however, at 31, I don’t event think it’s possible to have a decent FWB relationship. Here’s why.
1) I’ve never seen a healthy friends with benefits relationship. Sure they start off fine, but before long all FWB relationship become a complex web of manipulation, games and lies. One partner catches feelings and the other partner does everything in his/her power to subliminally remind their cut buddy that this is just sex. At the end, everyone walks away with a bitter taste in their mouth.
2) Oxytocin rears it head. Oxytocin is the epitome of a love drug. It’s a hormone, released in women during orgasm and men during sexual arouse, which bonds us to our sexual partner. It reduces our anxiety, evokes feelings of contentment, calmness and security and completely nullifies any verbal “no feelings” agreement.
3) Sex is too sacred to partake in causally. Sex is the most intimate, the most venerable and the most open you will ever be with another human being. It’s ministry, it’s nakedness (physically and emotionally), and it’s designed to bond us. To belittle sex into a rump in the hay with someone who you are never to be emotionally attached to is completely ludicrous. Plus, studies show that the best sex is with someone you are emotional attached. So why settle for mediocre sex when you can have the absolute best?
4) Have you seen the HIV/AIDS and STD statistics? Do you not follow @CDCSex on Twitter? The numbers are not in your favor. Are you really willing to sexually gamble your life on someone who refuses to commit.
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