Days like this I really wish I had a man’s arms to go home & cry in. That’s the thought I tweeted a few days ago. But when I was offered the opportunity to vent release to two followers, I clammed up. I think it’s just one of those girl moments where I just want to cry for no reason. *shrugs* Just feeling icky. That’s the reply I tweeted back, but deep down, I knew exactly what was wrong. I was just too embarrassed to share.
My issue was eerily similar to what my girl, Alisha, blogged about three days earlier. I’ve been on a journey with God to accomplish my divine destiny, and God is opening doors to ensure this happens. But the doors that are opening don’t look the way I imagined they would. Don’t get me wrong, the doors that are opening will still lead me to the vision God has shown me. They just don’t do so in the way I imagined. The doors God is opening appear to lead me down a longer, more complicated journey than the doors I imagined would open. So I find myself in an all too familiar place. I have two choices: 1) convince God to go with my plan or 2) trust Him and accept His plan.
Sounds like a ridiculous choice, right? Especially after what I endured the last time I was in this place. Ironically, it was about a year ago to the day. My principal at the time caught me in the parking lot while I was on break from teaching my summer school classes. He informed me that county officials were planning to transfer me to a different high school in the fall, but he was doing everything he could to keep me. I thanked him for the information and his efforts, but at the same time my heart broke. I immediately went to God. I reminded Him of all the “God work” I had been doing, the influence I had on my students and how lives had been changed because I showed up every day. God high fived me, told me I’d done a great job then showed me that I had gotten so caught up in doing part of what He had placed me there to do that I had failed to do the rest.
My head dropped. I was embarrassed. I knew better, but I had failed to do better. And in that moment, I began doing what we all do when things go wrong: begging and bargaining. I begged God for forgiveness and bargained that I would rearrange my schedule so that I could accomplish EVERYTHING God had placed me there to complete. God suggested that I go with His plan, but I ensured Him that I would be fine. I didn’t want to leave my babies.
So for the next six weeks I spent every possible moment praying, quoting scripture and believing that God would leave me where I was and trust me to do what He had instructed me to do. “The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much” (James 5:16), right? Exactly! Once August arrived, the day before I was to report to work exactly, I received word that my transfer had been reversed, and I would be going back home. Perfect, right?
While it appeared that everything had worked out perfectly, I soon began seeing that God had known exactly what He was doing. Day-by-day and moment-by-moment, my dream job became a nightmare. The politics became overwhelming, and administration began implementing an excessive number of extra meetings, duties and responsibilities that made in near impossible for me to fulfill my job responsibilities and complete the tasks God had given me. Three weeks into the school year, I found myself crying out to God and praying for a way out. Yes, the reasons I had fought to stay there were still present (namely my kids), but everything else had become too much. The cons now outweighed the pros. I felt like I was in an inescapable hell. And I was playing Chris Brown’s “Deuces” on repeat everyday on my way to work.
In my misery, I had a revelation. God, the Author and Finisher of all, had seen all the changes ahead of time and had laid out a plan for my escape. But for some unknown reason, I didn’t trust God’s plan for my life. I wanted Him to give me what I wanted even though I couldn’t see the unknown like He could. I had thought that my plans were more effective that God’s. I had used God as my personal genie.
So here I am today, in the same place. Life is cyclical like that. If you don’t get it right the first time, God will bring you back to that place in hopes that you will get it correct the second time. This time, the same two options stand before me: I can pray, petition and attempt to bully God into giving me my will, or I can trust Him, the One who knows everything, with my life and future. I’m choosing to trust God this go around. It may not look like I feel it should, but a perfect God wouldn’t lead me down the wrong path.
So my prayer today is not that God changes His mind or His plans, but that God 1) gives me the faith to trust Him and His plan, 2) allows me to understand His plan and get everything He wants me to from this placement, and 3) He provides coverage for all the holes I see (which doesn’t mean much) will occur if I go with His plan. I look forward to being able to come to you in the next six to eight weeks and tell you exactly how perfectly God’s plan worked. I’m already convinced it will. #NoLosing