Atlanta Rapper Gucci Mane with his Blinged Out Bart Simpson Chain

The AJC released some devastating news yesterday. With only $5,700 standing between him and freedom, Mr. Lemonade himself was still locked up a week after being arrested (! This can’t be Gucci’s life?!?!?

Gucci was arrested April 8 for violating his probation. The accusation: shoving a 36 year old hairdresser out a moving car on January 28th. According to police reports, Diana Graham was at South Dekalb Mall when Gucci asked if she wanted to have breakfast. She agreed and hopped in the front seat of his Hummer. After they had gotten a ways from the mall, Gucci revealed his evil plan. He wanted to pay Graham $150 to have sex with him at a hotel. The female victim declined and asked to be taken back to the mall. Gucci opted to shove Graham out the moving vehicle instead. Logical choice, right? 

Other than the obvious, violence against women, there are a few things that bother me about the entire situation.

Gucci and Mariah

1) Gucci is paying for booty. I was under the impression that once you attained a certain level of notoriety and success women gave up the booty off GP (general principle). I didn’t realize rappers of Gucci’s notoriety were paying for quickies. Seriously, you may not have any love for Gucci, but this guy has made hits with Mariah Carey, Usher, and Lil Wayne!!! He’s kind of important. On top of that he picked this woman up from South Dekalb Mall! This is Gucci’s hometown fan base! You can’t tell me there wasn’t a chick in South Dekalb willing to go home with Gucci Mane for free!!!!

Did Gucci think South Dekalb Mall sold women at discounted prices too?

2) $150, doe?!?!?!? I would like to preface this statement by saying absolutely no price should be placed on a woman’s body. We, or our bodies, are not commodities to be bought or sold, and any such practices should be firmly dealt with by law enforcement agencies. However, if you were to put a price on a woman’s body, $150 is just INSULTING…even for the most ratchet of women!!! Seriously, how are you going to be “So Icy,” yet only offer a Benjamin and a half and a cheap hotel for sex? I get it. You don’t love dem hoes, but isn’t this going against your reputation as a baller? At least offer enough cash that when word gets out in the hood, folks will think you’re really balling. $150?!?!? BOI STOP!!!!!

We need your help, sir?

 3) The gas is TOO DANG HIGH!!!! You know gas is too high when Gucci’s opts to push a lady out a moving car instead of returning her to the location he scooped her from. It’s probably cheaper to go back to jail for a state vacation than it would’ve been to fill up the Hummer after Graham refused participate in Gucci’s extra-curricular activities. Come on, Obama! Do something about these gas prices! Black royalty like Gucci is being unfairly incarcerated because gas is just too dang high! Can you help us out, sir?!?!

Got bail?!?!?!

4) Where is Flocka dem?!?!?! Waka’s running around yelling “It’s a Party!!!” How about he use some of that party money to bail his man out of jail! I’m a teacher, and I don’t make much money, but if $5,700 was standing between my homey and freedom, I could hustle it up. So why isn’t anyone hustling it up for Gucci? Hell, why hasn’t Gucci bailed himself out? Dude, could’ve pawned the title on that Hummer or that canary yellow watch that cost more than my house! Something ain’t right with this.

The infamous Hummer

5) Gucci’s lyrics just don’t mean the same thing anymore. Seriously, I heard “Then I get some brain in the front seat of the Hummer” (“Freaky Girl”), and was waiting for the next line where he pushes her from the moving vehicle. Cleary, sir, if you were oh, so icy, you would’ve sold a chain and bailed yourself out of jail. Lemon pepper wings and a freeze cup are probably the ONLY  yellow things you’ve seen lately because you could’ve traded a couple of canary diamonds for your freedom by now. My last question is what money is Gucci making love to? A jar of quarters?!?!? Atlanta strippers better watch out before Gucci makes it hail in the club and give them all a concussion!

What about you?

6) With all this said, who’s got $5 on Gucci’s bail? We can’t allow black royalty like Gucci to waste away in county jail! We have to get him back on these streets so he can produce some summer anthems for the community. For real doe, an inmate might get hungry, see that ice cream on the side of his face, and lick Gucci or something. We must give Gucci his free!!!

Check out a few Gucci songs below.